cautiously optimistic.

I guess I owe an apology to my three (four?) loyal readers…I’ve kind of fallen off the blogging wagon lately. A lot has actually been going on.  (So that’s good, right?) About this time last week, B and I got bitten buy the house-buying bug. My dad sells real estate and he had been in our ear for the past few months about what a great time it is to buy, now there’s this tax credit for extra incentive, but I was sticking to my guns. “We are happy where we are…no, we’re not moving into the house in your neighborhood, mom and dad…we hate moving, we’re not doing it until we’re moving OUT of B’ham or completely outgrow this house.” 

Then I got a little bored last Thursday night. Brian was studying for the CPA and Thursday night TV has become beyond boring, so I got caught up in looking at houses on the internet. That’s where it began. After a few emails and phone calls to my dad, and a full on 4 hour driving tour of the suburbs of Birmingham on Saturday… by Sunday night we’d found the perfect neighborhood and were ready to move. Well…B was ready. I had a mini-panic attack thinking about all that needed to be done to sell this house, the increase in mortgage (we’ve been spoiled by the great deal my dad got me on this house…), and for me…it felt like a we were making a statement that I wasn’t sure I was ready to make. The neighborhood we’re looking at is beyond amazing. From the first time I drove through it a few years ago, I said that if I ever “settled down” in Birmingham, it would definitely be this neighborhood. The houses are gorgeous, there’s an amazing pool, golf course and RESORT on site and it just has this quaint community feel that you just don’t get in many subdivisions in Birmingham. In fact, I wouldn’t call this a subdivision…it’s becoming a town in and of itself.  There are nature trails (great for Samson) and lots of activities including a farmer’s market on the weekends in the summer and several other “family-oriented” activities. Which brings me to my next point.

Brian and I are not planning (planning be the key word here) to start a family any time soon, and we weren’t even planning on staying in Birmingham for more than another year. So to me, this move said, “Ok, we’re buying a house together, we could start a family here, we’re settling down.” And that scared (scares?) the crap out of me. But we’ve talked through all of this and have decided that the pro’s to moving to this neighborhood far outweigh the con’s. It’s a fresh start for us. And who knows? We may fall in love with Birmingham and decide to stay longer…this new neighborhood would be a dream place to have kids. So…as of now (like I said…we just started seriously talking about this, oh…four days ago?) we’re moving! And I feel good about it! But that’s the thing. I’ve learned that I’m absolutely ruled by my emotions, and emotions, they cannot by trusted. They change. They fool you. It’s wisdom, wisdom that comes from the Lord that is unwavering and true. So there’s a lot of prayer going on too. We cannot make this decision lightly or on our own. But for now, I am cautiously optimistic.

easier said than done.

I had a bit of an epiphany tonight. It came during a conversation with my favorite person to talk to, my precious husband. We were on our way home from dinner with his mom, stepdad, sisters, their significant others, our nephew and the baby that my sister in law baby-sits for on the weekends. For some reason, we tend to venture into some of our deepest conversations after spending time with our families. Our nephew (I love being able to claim him as mine, not just Brian’s, because he is THE coolest 3 and a half year old you’ll ever meet.)

For some reason lately, the subject of children, whether they’re in the distant future or just around the corner, has weighed heavily on me and being around babies tonight did not help. I’ve just had an uneasiness about motherhood, trying to soothe myself with the belief that God will prepare us when the time comes, but I just haven’t been that…soothed. (I believe a lot of this has to do with our puppy and the exhausting  incredible journey we’ve been on with him for the past 4 months. Only four months?! holy crap) I’ll probably write more about the pup later, but let’s just say, we  REALLY related to Marley & Me. 

But tonight, I drew a comparison that I believe will ring true. I was talking about how although I had the desire in my heart to be in love and married from the time I was about…oh…16 years old. God just never put any guys in my life that I deemed worthy to become my future husband (wink, wink). And if I did, SOMEHOW deem someone worthy…well, he just never seemed to feel the same way. My longest “relationship” before I began dating my husband was around 3 months long. I had my share of dates, but they were just that. Dates. No one I could see spending the rest of my life with (because, you know, I had the ability to assess that in 2 or 3 phone conversations. and maybe a dinner or two). I’d like to claim all the credit for not putting my heart out there to get trampled on, leaving wounds for my future husband to mend. But I know that’s not the case. God guarded me and my heart from a relationship with the wrong guy and although I’m sure my husband wishes I had a little more experience being in a long-term relationship sometimes, I don’t regret a thing. God put the right man in my life at the exact. Right. Time. And I truly believe He’ll do the same when He decides to bless Brian and I with a child. He will put that desire in my heart and He will be there to prepare and teach me to be the parent I aspire and He wants me to be. I just have to be willing to listen. And learn. So much easier said than done.

in need of new.

originally posted: january 28, 2008

 

I wasn’t sure if I was going to continue with this blog, but I think it’s good for me to get my thoughts out somewhere besides my facebook status. Lately I’ve had this strange craving for something new. A new car, new house, a fancy new camera (more on that later)…just to name a few. This is particular strange for me, since I’ve never been a particularly materialistic person. Now, my parents would beg to differ. I appreciate beautiful things, that happen to sometimes be expensive things, but I’ve never driven a brand new car, never owned the most expensive things, and when I moved into this house three years ago it was only three years old, felt brand new and I felt blessed beyond belief to have found such a perfect home.  When I bought my 2003 Accord about a year and a half ago, I was ecstatic. It was everything I thought I wanted, black, two door, sunroof, leather seats, the whole bit. Now, I’m sick of my car (two doors really aren’t that fun. I feel like I’m driving a go-cart), bored of this house, and find myself yearning for something new. Honestly, I don’t think it’s about wanting some”thing” new…but longing for change. If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I thrive on change. I think I’ve just been stuck in a rut for far too long. I need a new passion, I long for new relationships to foster, what I really need is a change. Something lasting. Even if it’s just the memory that lasts. Because as we all know, the newness always wears off.

christmas in dixie…

originally posted: december 16, 2008

 

And it’s NOT snowing in the pines…has it ever?! anyway, it’s rainy and gross and pretty much my least favorite weather. it’s very hard to get into the christmas spirit when it’s 65 degrees, and wet, wet, WET. 65 degrees I can handle (I hate cold weather), but the wet I could seriously do without. The weather affects my mood more than most things. I’m an artist at heart and my mood is always influenced by my surroundings. I tend to go into hibernation during the winter (especially once the holidays are over) and once that first light of spring hits, I’m a new woman! I’ll wear flip flops, sundresses and even lay out about 8 months a year…as often as possible…as soon as the thermometer hits about 70. oooh, I can’t wait! but for now, I must focus on the present. The holidays have been hard for me since I got into the “real world”. This year, I’m not working, which should relieve most of the stress, but I’m still having trouble getting into that domestic, decorate the house, bake the christmas goodies, kind of mode. I’m discovering more and more how UN-domestic I am. A couple of years ago as I was finishing college, I envied the girls who were getting married…I caught up with old classmates on facebook and realized they were getting married, having babies, and I was so envious of their lifestyle, I’m ashamed to admit. Now here’s the kicker. I’m 26, married to the love of my life and blessed with the opportunity to stay at home right now. It’s the perfect time to start a family. But here’s the thing. I’m not ready. Here comes the big admission…I hate staying at home and taking care of the house. Adding our chocolate lab, Samson, into the mix has only made it more difficult. Most days I question weather I have what it takes to become a mother. To be perfectly honest, I’m terrified. My husband is at a point in his career where work is very demanding, he’s studying for the CPA, and I know for a fact that I can’t do it on my own. On top of that, there’s so many things I want to do before we start a family. I want to travel. All over. I want to live on the west coast. I want to live anywhere but Alabama. I want to enjoy LIFE with my sweet, adorable, best friend who is my HUSBAND. But sometimes I wonder…if I’m not becoming a mother…the one thing I was SURE I wanted to do my entire life, what should I be doing? If your dream suddenly becomes a nightmare, how can we trust our dreams?

i said it.

originally posted: december 3, 2008

 

so i’m finally doing it. I’ve been threatening to start a blog for…years? now…but especially the past few months. And then I got a puppy. And if you’ve ever had a puppy you might understand me, and if you haven’t, you’ll think I’m crazy. I know I would have, pre-September 27th…the day my world changed forever. And I realize if anyone with children is reading this you’re probably looking so far down on me I wouldn’t even be able to see you looking up from my meager sitting place. But the puppy changed my life. I’ve become a DOG person. I always thought I was allergic to dogs. And even if not, they’re dirty. So for the first week I washed my hands so many times and took so many showers my skin cracked. Turns out I’m not allergic to the pup. Just the crap he brings in. And the miracle of some pretty awesome drugs keep me from sneezing, wheezing, eyes swelling shut, esophagus swelling craziness. And that, my friends, is awesome. The fact that I can  sit here on the couch with my sweet puppy sleeping next to me and I can bring him into bed to snuggle with my while my husband is in some big fluffy bed in a swank Vegas hotel…well I love it. And I’m not ashamed to say it. I love for my puppy to sleep in the bed with me. Who knew?