easier said than done.

I had a bit of an epiphany tonight. It came during a conversation with my favorite person to talk to, my precious husband. We were on our way home from dinner with his mom, stepdad, sisters, their significant others, our nephew and the baby that my sister in law baby-sits for on the weekends. For some reason, we tend to venture into some of our deepest conversations after spending time with our families. Our nephew (I love being able to claim him as mine, not just Brian’s, because he is THE coolest 3 and a half year old you’ll ever meet.)

For some reason lately, the subject of children, whether they’re in the distant future or just around the corner, has weighed heavily on me and being around babies tonight did not help. I’ve just had an uneasiness about motherhood, trying to soothe myself with the belief that God will prepare us when the time comes, but I just haven’t been that…soothed. (I believe a lot of this has to do with our puppy and the exhausting  incredible journey we’ve been on with him for the past 4 months. Only four months?! holy crap) I’ll probably write more about the pup later, but let’s just say, we  REALLY related to Marley & Me. 

But tonight, I drew a comparison that I believe will ring true. I was talking about how although I had the desire in my heart to be in love and married from the time I was about…oh…16 years old. God just never put any guys in my life that I deemed worthy to become my future husband (wink, wink). And if I did, SOMEHOW deem someone worthy…well, he just never seemed to feel the same way. My longest “relationship” before I began dating my husband was around 3 months long. I had my share of dates, but they were just that. Dates. No one I could see spending the rest of my life with (because, you know, I had the ability to assess that in 2 or 3 phone conversations. and maybe a dinner or two). I’d like to claim all the credit for not putting my heart out there to get trampled on, leaving wounds for my future husband to mend. But I know that’s not the case. God guarded me and my heart from a relationship with the wrong guy and although I’m sure my husband wishes I had a little more experience being in a long-term relationship sometimes, I don’t regret a thing. God put the right man in my life at the exact. Right. Time. And I truly believe He’ll do the same when He decides to bless Brian and I with a child. He will put that desire in my heart and He will be there to prepare and teach me to be the parent I aspire and He wants me to be. I just have to be willing to listen. And learn. So much easier said than done.